


World Spins Madly On

by Deansimpallagrl, WuvWinchesterHugs



Series: Because You Let Me Pick the Music [15]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comforting Dean Winchester, Crying Sam Winchester, M/M, Married Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Post-Episode: s12e04 American Nightmare, Sam Winchester Finds Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 04:45:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17501807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deansimpallagrl/pseuds/Deansimpallagrl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WuvWinchesterHugs/pseuds/WuvWinchesterHugs
Summary: Sam feels the sadness rising up as if he could almost drown in it.  Why should he get to live if she didn’t?





	World Spins Madly On

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, I came up with this concept when I was going through a hard time myself, so if it seems like a bit of a downer, I apologise, but let me assure you, I'm doing better now.

Sam lets the cell phone slip from his numb fingers onto the table his elbows rest on. He hears a voice still talking small and tinny. A high-pitched sound takes over his brain as tears fall from his eyes. He stares at the books around him without seeing them; he only sees a young girl covered in scratches, dirt, and blood, crying as she sings to herself in a sad voice. 

He scoots back his chair as he staggers to his feet, then turns and wanders down the hall to his room. His feet carry him there, but he doesn’t really pay attention to where he's going. His mind still remembers the weight of her slight frame as he held her in horror, not sure how to help her. He whispers “Magda” as he collapses on his bed, sobbing. In his mind’s eye, he still sees her slight smile as she nodded her head at him. She was supposed to have been sent off to live with family and safety. How could they have failed her? They were so sure that she would be fine.

Sam had seen so much of himself in her. She reminded him of how it felt to be different from your family. He had known he was different for so long. He ran away from his family, and still it followed him. Even when Sam finally knew why he was different, he didn’t know what to do. Being that scared and feeling alone was the worst time in his life. 

It took him so many years to come to terms with his differences. He still feels different, but with Dean’s love, he feels more whole all the time. Dean is the dam for his drowning thoughts of self hate. He doesn’t even know if he would still be alive if Dean wasn’t there. Magda didn’t have any of that. Her family hated her and her mother abused her. She had no one to guide her. Sam had wanted to help her, but he never got the chance. She was the one person that he knew he could talk to about some of his oldest and darkest of wounds. 

Sam can’t stop crying as he lays in his dark room as the old voice of failure bubbles up in his thoughts. You could have saved her Sam. If you had taken her home with you, she’d still be alive. You sent her out into the world she hadn't been a part of for years, fragile and helpless. Sam holds his head in his hands, wishing the voice would go away. Sometimes it sounded like Bobby, or even John. He always fails people. He can never save more than he's failed. He can’t stop the voice, and finally, unable to take it, he yells at the top of his lungs, even as the voice continues to break him down. 

He doesn’t know the time, but bright light suddenly fills the room. His eyes are closed, almost swollen shut from crying so hard. He doesn’t move or open them. He doesn’t want to exist here anymore; the pain in his head and heart are heavy, like a lead blanket. Sam hears a familiar voice, but it’s muted by the roaring voice in his head. He feels his body being moved, but doesn’t bother to pay attention.

Dean walked into Sam’s room after calling for him everywhere in the bunker. He had gone to the store because he wanted to make a romantic dinner for his husband. He had even gotten stuff for a salad just for Sam. Which made him even more shocked when he walked into Sam’s dark room and saw him lying on his bed crying his eyes out. He was fine when he left. What the hell happened? Sam’s eyes were wet and swollen, face slack as if he’d passed out. Even when he shakes him and calls his name, Sam still doesn’t move. He moans a little but that’s the only sign Dean gets that Sam’s still conscious. 

Dean knows the only way to get Sam back is lots of reassurance and love. Dean pushes down the panic and sits on Sam’s bed, adjusting Sam’s body until his head is in Dean’s lap. Sam’s hair flows over his thighs, and the sweet smell of his shampoo makes Dean smile. He strokes Sam’s hair, slowly and gently. 

“Sammy, can you hear me?” Dean speaks softly but firmly waiting on a response.

Sam somehow finds the strength to nod. The feel of Dean stroking his hair feels so soothing and grounding. He feels the voice receding slowly the more Dean strokes his hair.

“Good, then I want you to relax and listen to my voice. I don’t know what happened, but you need to know I, your loving husband, am here for you, and I want to help.” Dean puts all his love in his slow strokes and the timbre of his voice.

Sam sighs softly and feels the love flowing over him. The voice is still there, mocking him, but Dean’s voice makes him feel lighter. Finally, Sam opens his eyes, and he can’t help but grin. Dean’s handsome face is smiling at him with the cocky grin Sam finds especially adorable. He looks into the emerald eyes that have looked at him his whole life. It's this thought that really knocks into Sam. Dean has always been with him, and has always known Sam better than anyone else. Dean has seen Sam at his absolute worst, and thinking of those thoughts of the dark days of demon blood make him shudder and close his eyes again.

“Sam, I know something is wrong. Tell me what I can do. I can keep petting you like a damn dog till the end of time, but I still need you to talk.” Dean knows Sam, knows Sam is being down on himself. Whatever happened, Sam is mad at himself.

“Magda. Dead.” Sam manages to croak out two words before more tears slowly slide down his face. He turns his face from Dean’s stomach, as if he didn’t want Dean’s comforting touch.

“Magda?” Dean frowns and works on the name. He hates how bad he is at names. He figures it has to be someone they saved. Flashes of a young girl covered in scratches suddenly come to mind, and he gasps softly. He can see her clearly, remembers how much she suffered. It makes him angry at her mother all over again, but he pushes it down; Sam needs him. He strokes Sam’s hair with one hand and gently turns his face back into him again.

“My fault.” Sam sobs a little louder and his body shudders. The voice in his head gets a little louder again and he cries harder.

Dean strokes his hair and a few tears roll down his face, but he focuses on crooning to Sam in a low voice. He lets Sam cry it out and continues to send all his love in waves through his touch.

Sam’s tears slow down again he is so tired. All he wants to do is sleep but Dean’s voice is still asking him questions. He tries to pay attention but his soul feels like it is breaking.

“Sammy, sweetheart, I know you’re blaming yourself, but I need you to listen to me. This is NOT your fault. I may know that brain of yours, but I don’t know all the details here. Please talk to me. I love you.” Dean keeps stroking and as Sam’s breathing slows down he watches the muscles twitching in Sam’s face as he struggles to respond.

“Dean, you don’t know that.” His voice is raspy, his throat feels like he swallowed cotton. He wants to make Dean understand, but he feels so lost.

“I do, Sam. I do. I know you better than anyone else on this entire planet. I may not know what happened, but I know you didn’t do anything wrong.” Dean lifts up Sam’s head and kisses his forehead softly, before laying Sam back in his lap.

“Dean, I let that girl go. I didn’t try and talk to her. I didn’t try and help her. I just sent her back into a world she wasn’t ready for.” Sam opens his eyes, expecting to see the disgust on Dean’s face, but as usual, only sees the naked love of his husband. 

“Sam, we had to let her go. The police were involved and they were gonna send her away no matter what we did. You saved her. You talked her out of killing her mother and regretting it for the rest of her life. She was so grateful for what you did for her. I remember the look on her face after her mom was taken away. She was ready to move on with the help of family. Can you tell me what happened?” Dean traced the lines of Sam’s cheekbones and jawline.

His soft warm touch made Sam feel better slightly; just looking into Dean’s eyes made him feel like maybe things would eventually be ok.

“I got a call from the family member she was supposed to get to. The police gave her my number since I was familiar with her case. She wanted to make sure the FBI was following up on her death. She was shot at a rest stop. I just can’t wrap my head around it.” Sam can hear the voice of the aunt holding back tears. She was so upset; she had been looking forward to meeting this lost child and helping her.

“Right, the aunt. Why would anyone shoot Magda?” Dean can’t believe that this was a coincidence.

“Does it matter?” Sam’s inner voice is rising up again and Sam feels the sadness rising up as if he could almost drown in it. Why should he get to live if she didn’t? 

“Sam, look at me.” Dean moves Sam again and gives him a stern look.

“You had nothing to do with this. We did all we possibly could for her. Your mind is telling you nothing but a bunch of bullshit, Sammy. I have known you your whole damn life. You are good and kind. You’ve made mistakes and so have I. The best thing we ever did was get married. I love you, and I know your heart. I need you to believe me, Sammy. We’ve always called each other out on our shit. If you were wrong, I wouldn't hesitate to tell you. No matter what Sammy, I’m always gonna be here. I know this isn’t gonna be a switch you can just turn off. Whaddya say we just cuddle for a bit? You talk, I'll listen.” Dean kisses Sam softly on the lips and then helps him up just enough to get them under the blankets. Dean curls up around Sam and holds him close to his chest. He holds him tightly, letting his warmth seep into Sam’s stiff muscles.

Sam goes along with Dean’s wishes because he doesn’t really have the energy to argue. Dean’s love and words are so soothing. Sam concentrates on Dean’s warmth and his breathing. He matches breathing automatically and then takes in all the parts of himself touched by Dean. His mind is building up a new wall of love to keep the ugly voice quiet. He slips into a light sleep and a smile forms on his face.

Dean feels the moment Sam slips into sleep. His body needs the reboot, and Dean’s glad Sam is letting himself rest. Sam will beat himself up for a while over this. Dean wants to find out who did this. He will get the person responsible and make him pay. No one hurts his Sammy like this. Dean tries to keep the angry thoughts from building too much, since right now, he can’t let out the frustration. He’ll start checking this out, as soon as his husband starts to feel better.


End file.
